Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Tourniquet Excerpt - Part II

Okay, here's the rest of the already posted scene. To read in order, start with my previous post.
Again, this is a dark comedy about a pretty wacked, quirky couple. The set-up: Ray meets Maggie (she's hot, young, jealous) and they fall in love. Ray's ex comes back to town, Ray has 2nd thoughts and after a tiff with Maggie, ends up with Paula. Maggie catches them, kicks Paula out, and pretends to forgive him and cuffs him to the bed for make-up sex. That's when she slices.
There are other sub-plots involving Ray's friends, but Ray and Maggie are the center of the story......
RAY
(whimpering)
Gotta stop....bleeding...Need to wrap it.
MAGGIE
With what?
RAY
Need....a....tourniquet.

He’s passing out. She slaps him.

MAGGIE
Wake up! I don’t know what that is!
RAY
(starts to come around)
To stop bleeding.
Maggie reaches under her skirt and yanks off her thong. She tries to wrap it around his bloody crotch.
MAGGIE
I can’t tie it!
RAY
Keep trying.
MAGGIE
I am! This is my favorite thong, you know! I hope you appreciate this!
RAY
I do.....

She grabs a phone and hits 9-1-1.

MAGGIE
(after a moment)
We’ve had an accident! My boyfriend is bleeding really bad!
(listens)
It’s his dick!

She drops the phone as another burst of blood shoots across the floor. A stream nails her in her face.

MAGGIE
Ah! Shit!
RAY
You......gotta....hold it.
(smiles weakly)
You’re my tourniquet.....

10 comments:

taZ said...

If you love it, all I can say is... Go for it!! ;)

By the way, read Chris Soth's latest post about really be careful by choosing wisely which project to write. (milliondollarscreenwriting.com/blog/?p=26)

Patrick J. Rodio said...

Yeah, I hear you. Some stuff I write that might be a bit twisted (like this, something that's off the radar) but like I said I've got plenty of "on the radar" scripts (horror, sci-fi, kids, family, comedy, etc) that is very "saleable" so I don't worry too much about if I'm writing something that Disney or whoever won't like. If they don't like this they'd like my other stuff is what I'm saying. But I will check out the blog you suggested. Thanks!

oneslackmartian said...

Hey, man. I wouldn't worry too much about the saleable stuff. Somethings I think it's best to shoot for completely over the top, just to be noticed. If you sell it, they (or you) can always take out the most over the top parts.

Fun Joel said...

Welcome to the scribosphere! Fun wacky scene, you twisted fu**! ;-)

ScriptWeaver said...

Yes, you're a sick bastard. But I like it.

My penis, however, would like to bitch slap you.

Patrick J. Rodio said...

Hey, it's all in good clean fun.

Greg said...

wow...that ist pretty intense....but just hilarious ;-)

Greg

writergurl said...

Lorena Bobbit, obviously, made QUITE and impression on you.

*On another note... "Bobbit", seriously.. sounds like a name some screenwriter came up with one night at 3 AM when he couldn't sleep cause he was trying to think of a name for this woman (in his new script) who cuts off her husband's penis.

"Bobbit!"

"Bobbit? hmmmm. Could work..."

"Yeah! Bobbit! That's what she does to him! She cuts it short! Cool! I'll use it!"

Patrick J. Rodio said...

Um, Writergurl, just because the whole Bobbit thing happened does that mean I ripped it off? I certainly did not.

But I take your comments as being sarcastic. Why? It's just a fun script. The story actually came from a news story I heard about a revenge-seeking girlfriend who ties her guy up (he thought they were going to do it), hacked it off and flushed it, which is pretty much what happened here.

And it's played for laughs, and is silly. Are you angry? If so, why? No writer has ever taken a story from the news/real life and made a script out of it?

writergurl said...

Patrick...
Please, forgive me... obviously I'm not as good a writer as I thought. I failed utterly to convey a simple thought... the exquisite irony that a woman named "Bobbit" also cut off her husband's penis. Then, I just did a small riff on a possible scene for a screenwriter to have come up with this name in a scene like you have written.

I liked your scene, and my comment had nothing at all to do with your writing abiltiy and everything to do with tone being a difficult thing to manage online. Please, accept my aplogizes for any percieved slight. none was intended.