Tuesday, November 28, 2006

The End Must Be Near

While I was in my office this morning, doing some paperwork (i.e. taking a dump, pinching a loaf, dropping a deuce, whatever the kids are calling it nowadays) I came up with some evidence that the end of the world may be approaching. Or, at least a list of crap that gives me agita. Evidence:

1. Holiday Shoppers Have Been and Always Will Be Douchebags: This is mainly in America, and to be more specific, Wal-Mart, but my God how we are asswipes. Just watching the video footage of all of us dumb cattle lined up in front of the stores at 4am, waiting for the doors to open and then BAM! GO! GO! GO! Beating the tar out of each other for a Tickle Me Elmo, a Wii, or a Baby-Vomits-A-Lot, whatever the hot toys are.

2. Speaking of Video Games: What is with these new systems? Why in the hell do I have to stand up to play a god damn video game? Can't I just sit on my ass anymore? Isn't the point of videogames so we can chill out while playing videogame tennis? Why would I want to actually stand there and pretend I'm hitting the ball with my wand or whetever they call it. If I wanted that experience, I'd GO PLAY TENNIS.

3. Tara Reid

4. Straight-To-DVD sequels: I've posted about this before so I won't rant much here, but the funny thing is they make sequels to ANYTHING now. There's actually a Behind Enemy Lines 2 now available on DVD. Awful.

5. Our Prez. Weren't we after Osama? Not anymore? Oh, he's hiding? Still? I thought we had some type of trained soldiers/high tech missles that could take care of that problem. Oh, hell let him go, let's dump another 10 Billion into Iraq/losing more troops.

6. Alan Cumming's personality: I don't know the guy, but to me he just seems like a real bonafide asshole.

7. Michael Richards: Yeah, he's done.

8. Screenwriters (non-professionals) Continue To Get the Shaft: Dear Assholes who want to rip off us already poor screenwriter wannabes - We hate you and hope you drown in a bucket of your own diarrhea. We're already struggling and have enough to stress out about. I'm talking about demonfuckers like the Screenplay Agency, and they're not the only ones, who are out there ready to feast on our wallets.

9. Neve Campbell says UK writers are better than American writers: She said, "The writers are more talented here (UK). People don't just pick up a pen and say, 'I'm going to write a screenplay', which happens all the time in LA. They have some background in literature before they decide to come up with a story." Oh yeah?! You wanna fight, beeyotch?! I bet some UK "writer" would have never thought up "Failure to Launch!" Or "Son Of The Mask." Or "Meatballs 4!" Or "Behind Enemy Lines 2!" In your face, Neve, as in Neva ever!

10: Britney: We feel your pain, Mr. K-Fed was a tool, but we kinda told you that from the start. But we're glad you got smart. Or, whatever. But please, if you wish to continue to have us on your side, please, please, please, when wearing a very short skirt, it may be wise to wear undergarments, and stay away from Paris "Cokefiend" Hilton.

Just a fun list of shit that bothered me lately, so maybe the world isn't ending yet. Feel free to add to the list.


Barry said...

Speaking of all the sheep out there holiday shopping, how would you like to read the most outrageous conspiracy theory ever? I call it Operation Doomsday Maybe, and I think a lot of the American "sheeple" would fall for it. Its on my blog Barry's Amazing Ideas at www.barrysamazingideas.blogspot.com
Post a comment and tell me what you think!

L.R. Williams said...

11. O.J. Simpson - 'If I Did It' - If he did it? Give me a fuckin' break!

Webs said...

I drove by a set for "Wargames II" yesterday....

The Moviequill said...

and I am sure all those greedy shoppers buying the 4 per person plasma screen allotment were giving them away as gifts... yeah right (btw, I didn't join the masses)

Patrick J. Rodio said...

Good #11. And Wargames 2? Krikey.

Brett said...

I say we start an online collection to not buy Neve Campbell a return ticket to the paste-eating US. At last count I think there were a grand total of zero people who might ever notice her absence.

Anonymous said...

but the good news is we can now finally see Britney's honeywagon haha

Emily Blake said...

I went to Target the day after Thanksgiving and decided that no matter what I was not going to think anything but pleasant thoughts toward people. It worked. I meandered through the store, waiting patiently while everybody else got bent out of shape.

Then I went to Best Buy and got into an argument with some asshat who tried to weasel his way to the front of the line. You can't stay happy forever.

Patrick J. Rodio said...

Asshat. Nice!

chris soth said...

hear-hear on Asshat.

I agree w/dvd sequels...except that I'm up to direct one...so...THAT'S an exception, right?

Patrick J. Rodio said...

Look, direct the hell out of it. And if you're paid to write one? Write it! We can't turn down paying gigs within our field!