Thursday, August 09, 2007

Ah, The 70s.

Blasted through Page 70 last night, tonight I'm aiming for 80. It's almost done. And it's feeling great.

Below is a scene (I can only cut & paste it, please forgive it's appearance) from LAID. I was trying to think of one to post, and I thought this one would be good. Our hero, Joe, has a flashback to when he lost his virginity:

Joe and GLORIA, 17, are getting hot and heavy. He tosses a condom wrapper aside.

Is it on?
Fits like a glove.

She looks down between his legs.

Doesn’t it get any bigger?
I think that’s gonna be about it.
It’ll be fine. Just put it in.

Joe nods and concentrates, trying to insert himself.

I don’t feel anything.
I’m still searching. Wait, here you go.
Hey. Not up the ass, please. I’m not an up-the-ass girl.

No problem. I’m not an up-the-ass guy.
Good to know. Here. I’ll help you.

She reaches down between his legs, pulls him closer. She BELCHES loudly into his face.

Sorry about that. Kinda did that in your face. Must’ve been those peppers I had at dinner.
Yeah, I thought it smelled like peppers.

Here we are.
Oh, God. Oh, my God!
Feel nice?

Shit yeah! Oh, boy. Gloria. Oh, Gloria.
No, no! Wait, Joe! Don’t come yet! I want to get it, too!
Yes! Oh, yeah! I’m coming! I’m coming!

God dammit!

He shudders and pulls away, exhausted, with a huge smile.
Nice. Did you get an orgasm, too?
Fuck off.


Matt said...

Very nice. If the rest of the script is as funny as this snippet, you may have yourself a winner.

Fun Joel said...


Scott the Reader said...

You told me you'd never share that with anyone. Thanks for changing my name, though.

oneslackmartian said...

I can tell you how often I head this exact scene from me mum and dad's room.

When my grandparents were visiting.

Anonymous said...

I need a cigarette and a nap now (smirk)

java149 said...

Sounds like my first time, except without the peppers.

Anonymous said...

No offense, but this feels like an unfunny rehash of the already-unfunny scene in 40 Year Old Virgin when she pukes on him.

Patrick J. Rodio said...

No offense taken....since you're wrong.

Where's your writing sample, genius?

eddie said...

Hey Pat, I don't think Anon was trying to be malicious - just giving his honest opinion. Granted, you may not have asked for it, and s/he could have left their name... but your reaction might be why they chose not to. You kinda come off like a dick in your response, and after reading your blog for a long time, I know you're not. I hope you handle real world criticism better than that.

Also, assuming they're not just f'in with you, people who tell you what's wrong with your stuff are far better than ass-kissers who tell you whatever you write is brilliant.

Now, to really step in it...

I didn't think what you posted was great, didn't think it was bad, really felt it was just a snippet of the larger picture and too little to really make an opinion one way or the other.

And since you were just trying to give us a taste of what you were writing, that's what I took from it. And I realize you didn't ask for reviews, and maybe anon was trying to be an ass, but if he was then you gave him exactly what he wanted.

Hope you don't think I'm a huge dick, now, and good luck with your writing.

Patrick J. Rodio said...

Yes, Eddie, you are a dick AND a cock. Just kidding!

I can take criticism, but when it's constructive, especially in this type of forum.

Plus, HIS comment came across like the dick here, I was just reacting to him. Robert Hogan (Adv in Screenwtiring blog) deals with this crap all the time, anonymous hacks who drop asswipe remarks to piss off people. And it works 'cause its annoying.

I don't expect anyone to love/like everything I do, but I would NEVER go on someone's blog/site and throw a dick comment. I've gone on plenty of blogs where writers have shown some work, and am ALWAYS ALWAYS supportive.

But that's how I roll. That's because I'm not a dick.

If he wanted to critique that's fine, say something like you actually did. And you're right, it was just a snippet, just to show you where it's coming from, the type of humor, etc, certainly not the best scene in it, but a fun flashback.

eddie said...

Cool, dude.

Someday anon will have to pay $8 if he wants to know how much your stuff "sucks."

Grumpy O. Selznick said...

Hmm. Well out of context, sans character identities, what can we really say. We dont know who he is, so we can't really imagine him.

By way of hopefully constructive criticism, I think a little misdirection might be funny. I think with good perfs the scene works on screen but it feels a little bit too by the numbers, and a punch up that surprises the audience a bit might help in that direction.

'Course, whaddo i know?