Wednesday, July 12, 2006

The Worst!!!

So, what's the WORST movie you EVER saw? After checking out some reponses over at Scott The Reader's latest blog, I was inspired to think back on the biggest pieces of shit I ever wasted my movie-going time on. Some lowlights.....

Firebirds - Nicholas Cage, Sean Young, Tommy Lee Jones, and some Apache helicopters. Dreadful.

A Kiss Before Dying - Sean Young (See a pattern?). Terrible, terrible.

Meatballs 4 - Featuring Corey Feldman and that levitating alien freak, what a great way to take a huge shit all over the original movie (which I liked). Parts 2 & 3 (featuring a young, awkward, Patrick Dempsey) were bad enough, but this cockscab of a movie brings it to a whole new sub-level of bad.

Mac & Me - Diarrhea on film.

Darkman - I may have liked it when it first came out years ago (1991?),and if that's the case I was young and stupid. I saw it last year and what a horribly made/acted/directed/written/shot piece of garbage.

Alien 3 - I still hate this movie. I don't care if ol' Fincher had to re-cut or if the movie was taken away from him, etc, etc. The plot sucked, and it took the story from the 1st two AMAZING FILMS and flushed it all down the toilet. I actually enjoyed Alien 4 much more than this crap.

Alien Vs. Predator - Stupid. Please don't make another. Too late? dammit!

Vertical Limit - Okay, your sister is trapped on a mountain so you piss and moan until you can assemble a team of climbers to help you go get her, and you get MOST of them killed in the process. Nice going, douche. when I saw this in the theater I also noticed the BOOM POLE or an actual film crew member in 80% of the shots, and I'm not lying.

Superman 4 - Quest 4 Peace - Christ Almighty. The battle with Blonde Man was lame enough, but did they notice that a HUMAN BEING was brought up into SPACE and was just floating there, not dying???

The Village - I think M.Night is an awesome director, I just wish he'd stop writing.

Catwoman - Meeooowch! I don't mind watching Halle Berry prance around in tight leather, but have her fight a villain better than - A cosmetics empire?!?!?! Directed by Pitof. 'Nuff said.

Wing Commander - Dumb as a bag of dead monkeys.

A Lot Like Love - Actually harmful to watch.

Chicago - God, how I despised this.

High Tension - Poor taste, and crappy, too.

Shark boy & Lava Girl - I like Robert Rodriguez but this was simply a crap movie.

Iron Eagle 3: Aces - Poor Louis Gossett, Jr.

Most John Waters movies. No, wait, all of them.

That's all I can come up with off the top of my head. I'm sure I'll think of more. What are some of yours??


Scott the Reader said...

Charlie's Angels 2

Tim Burton's Planet of the Apes remake

Batman 3 & 4 (whatever their names were)

Freddy Got Fingered

and the worst movie of all time --

Caddyshack 2

Anonymous said...

Anything by Kevin Smith. God he's awful.

Noah Brand said...

I was actually just posting about this subject. THE PIRATE MOVIE, from 1982, is honestly and objectively worse than anything listed here so far. Watch it if you don't believe me.

Schmucks with Underwoods said...

The Majestic with Jim Carrey

Aaron said...

Street Fighter. Double Dragon is a close second. Even when I was a kid and any karate movie was cool I still hated these two films.

Anonymous said...

Ernest Goes to Jail--yes, I saw this in the theater.

Battlefield Earth is a close second.

Thomas Crymes said...

The Majestic? I really liked that.

Pat. One word. They.

I'm sure I can't remember the worst movie I ever saw because it has probably been blocked from memory.

There are at least two other intriguing questions about bad movies that I would ask.

Name a movie you hate, but other people seem to like. For me it is Clerks. I despise that movie.

Name a movie you really liked, but on further review you determined that it really does stink. For me, it is Brainstorm. Great idea. Bad execution.

L.R. Williams said...

White Noise - My first mistake was listening to my fiancee who wanted to see it. My second mistake was actually paying my hard earned money to see it. Last, but not least, the 105 minutes I invested that I'll never get back to watch such a dreadful peace of garbage!

Auntie said...

Hello, lovey. For me it has to be White Squall starring Jeff Bridges and all those young men.

Schmucks with Underwoods said...

Thomas, it's been a while since I saw The Majestic but I just remember being drowned in sentimentality and corn. Hey maybe it's like wine and it gets better with time so I may give it a another chance some day ;-) I'm with you on Clerks though, switched it off after 20 minutes. Dogma was worse and Silent Bob even more so. I despise ALL Smith's movies. For low-brow I go with the Farellys any day. The interogation scene in Something abou Mary - hilarious.

Patrick J. Rodio said...

Crymes - I was gonna list They, but I figured eveyrone out there would be like "Huh?" for those of you who don't know what it is, don't worry about it.

Clerks, yeah, I agree. I'm curious about part 2, but the 1st one was very disappointing. and while I liked Chasing Amy at first vieweing, the more I saw it, the more I disliked it (some of their dialogue is atrocious).

Yeah, Caddyshack 2 - Agreed. Bad, bad, bad.

Fredy Got fingered is a very guilty pleasure of mine. I understand that it's bad, but when he's twirling the baby around the hospital room but it's umbilical cord as the other patients are sprayed with blood? Classic.

Also agree on The Majestic in its syrupiness, but I don't know if I'd say worst ever.

Oh, I've got another one - Captain America (I think it was a Roger Corman production). Dreadful. I remember it had about 100000 edits in one simple fight scene. I wanted to vomit.

Speaking of Dreadful, there's always Judge Dredd. Yuck.

Oh, and I liked White Squall, although it was a mishmash of 10 other movies.

Anonymous said...

I just saw Annapolis the other day (don't ask). That is sooo bad. Dr. T and the Women was awful. Let's see... Anaconda is so bad that you can see the waterfall going up rather than down. But it's funny bad... so, does that count? The Company. Um. I don't have a problem with Kevin Smith stuff. I like that he's so comfortable with his own point of view. That's not as easy as it looks to pull off. Though, clearly, he's never gonna make a living as a DP.

Thomas Crymes said...

I'll admit to being a sucker for sentimental stuff and cheese to some extent. Majestic just pushed all my buttons (in a good way).

I guess if I like what a movie is saying to me, I'll drink it all up and love every drop.

gizmorox said...

I agree with your thoughts on The Village and M. Night.

I dislike heaps of movies but the only one I've ever had the desire to get up and walk out of the theater on was In The Bedroom. Torture.

L.R. Williams said...

Any movie I fall asleep on or walk out of qualifies as being the worst on my list. Here's three - Last Action Hero, Shadows & Fog and North. By the way, whoever made Caddyshack 2 should be neutered! Why don't you just make a Blues Brothers sequel? Shit! THEY DID!!!

Patrick J. Rodio said...

Good picks, guys. Yeah, that Blues Brothes 2000 was pretty horrific.

Anonymous said...


Whichever Aliens had Winona Ryder in it

Moon Over Parador

Wedding Crashers (am I the only person on the planet who hated this film and couldn't find the funny?)

That movie with Patricia Arquette where she's possessed by the devil and Gabriel Byrne is the priest

Patrick J. Rodio said...

Ooh, Stigmata. Never saw the whole thing.

I loved Wedding Crashers personally, those two together are a blast.

Shit, I forgot one of the WORST EVER - SON OF THE MASK! DREADFUL. Bad, bad, bad. Alan Cumming is the Devil.

Aaron said...

Steel was pretty bad.

Patrick J. Rodio said...

Steel - God awful. And don't forget Kazaam.

The Moviequill said...

Mulholland Drive and Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas, pretty well the two only movies I could not tolerate anymore and had to turn them off

Patrick J. Rodio said...

Thanks to Moviequill, I thought of 1 more - Mulholland Falls. What a borefest.

Grumpy O. Selznick said...

Them? Is that the one with Roddy Piper, the wrestler?

If moon over parador is "Dave" in Bolivia, I kinda liked it.

Fugitive II was pretty damn bad. I think they have to be well below expectations - there is obviously a ton of crap, but most ppl wont watch it or expect to be good. Its when its disappointing that it makes the impression.