TITLE CARD ON BLACK: “SEND LAWYERS, GUNS AND MONEY....THE SHIT HAS HIT THE FAN...” WARREN ZEVON
FADE IN:
INT. CAR - DAY
Three men in their early 30s sit in the car. In the back seat is MORRIS. In the front are DAK (driving) and ED.They are stopped, waiting for a bunch of geese to cross the road.
MORRIS
This is bullshit.
DAK
Lotta damn ducks here.
ED
They’re geese, dude.
DAK
Ducks, geese, what do you fucking care?
ED
Just drive around.
DAK
They’re all over the road, I can’t.
MORRIS
Ed, ain’t they pissing you off?
ED
I like geese. Look at them. Just minding their own fucking business. They don’t give two shits about us.
MORRIS
Well, I say we run them down.
ED
No way. Don’t you wish we could be like that? Like, people in general I mean. Just kinda doing our own thing, not getting in everybody’s face. Just living life, man.
DAK
You’re nuts.
MORRIS
I don’t wanna be like no damn bird.
ED
I didn’t say I wanted to be a fucking bird, Morris. It’s a fucking metaphor.
DAK
Since when are you all thoughtful?
ED
What crawled up your ass and made you Mr. Bitter?
DAK
I’m not Mr. Bitter.
ED
Sure you are. Dak Bitter. That’s your new name.
DAK
I don’t want a new name.
MORRIS
Up your ass with your metaphors. Let’s kill the birds.
DAK
I am not driving over them. This is my car. I just washed it. I even waxed it.
MORRIS
Then we should have a party because you cleaned your car.
DAK
Look!
They look, there’s just one left.
DAK
Go, bird!
ED
Follow your bird-friends! Go on!
MORRIS
Move, you fucking bird!
The fucking bird stands there.
DAK
What an asshole. Look at him.
MORRIS
How about now, Ed? Still wanna be like a bird?
Ed looks out at the road. The bird seems to stare directly at him.
ED
Fine.
Ed steps out of the car and approaches the bird.
BIRD
AACCK! AACCK! AACCK!
Ed draws a gun, aims and BAM!
TITLE CARD ON BLACK: 3 Weeks Ago
INT. ELEVATOR - DAY
Standing in the elevator with Ed is JULIA (early 20s). NEIL (late 20s) runs in as the door is closing.
NEIL
Three, please.
ED
We’re all going to three. We’ve been going to three all week.
NEIL
Good morning to you, too, sunshine.
(to Julia)
What’s your name again?
JULIA
Julia.
NEIL
I’m Neil.
Julia nods politely.
NEIL
Oh. Gonna be like that, are you? Your shit don’t stink? I bet you a twenty it stinks. I bet you twenty more that it stinks like shit.
Silence as the elevator travels. Neil farts.
NEIL
Whoa, speak of the devil. That was me. Don’t worry about it everybody.
They’re all disgusted.
INT. HALLWAY - DAY
The elevator door opens. They get off quickly, waving away the odor.
MR. STONE (late 30s) approaches.
MR. STONE
TGIF!
They stare at him blankly
6 comments:
I'm Canadian and quite partial to geese, our national bird heh... good stuff
We just moved, but we used to live right near a pond.
The pond sits next to a freeway & 2 major streets.
There are yellow "duck crossing" signs everywhere.
Occassionally traffic has to stop while a whole line of geese (i think they're Canadian!) parade sloooowly across the street, one after the other.
I was always afraid i was gonna nail one of those bastards.
Would have been good eatin' tho... yuuummmm....
Kidding...
Thanks for posting pages, PR. Wish more bloggers would do it. :-)
Funny, I liked it a lot. Nice, solid way to open.
Nice LEBOWSKIesque tone. I dig it!
okay, i've read it three times and it still cracks me up
Tanks, yo!
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